Miles From Nazareth

I Spoke to The Machine

2006-05-09T13:14:00.000-07:00

and The Machine said...

You are freakin' out. MAN.

2006-04-07T07:35:00.000-07:00

I didn't sleep. I'll admit I feel a little patchy.

I had a black haired dog

He died beside the road

I watched him bleed onto the stones

And near the ditch, I held my hand

His blood and breath were hot

We dug a grave to call his own

Said a prayer for a dog

And buried him inside

My father cried, my father cried, my father cried

And this mountain

Is gonna come down

This whole mountain

Is gonna come down

I had a dream last night

While I was still awake, getting

drowned out by such thoughts

as a kettle over boiling on the stove

In the kitchen, screaming

We carried him up past the lake

And up the mountain trail

Two Angels at my side

And I threw them over the edge, said you’ve got wings so fly!

Teach me- teach me, how to make death die

And this mountain

Is gonna come down

This whole damn mountain

Is gonna come down

**** it- I broke your Cat

2006-04-01T09:21:00.000-08:00

Nobody ever really wins
Nobody ever really wins
You just learn to give up and fold with the most from your hand,
But nobody ever really wins
They say, boy just put your cards down, now, don't be too bold
You know there's nothing that great that could be YOURS to hold
Yeah, ya know nobody ever really wins

And nobody ever really dies
No, nobody really dies
They just fade away long before they get put in their graves
Nobody really dies at all
They just get drugged and put down by a ball and chain
And that's what's waitin' for you, boy, when you get down the lane
Nobody ever really dies
And they did it to jonny, the did it to tom
The light leaves your eyes, but you keep keepin' on
And by the time God catches up with you, you're already gone
Nobody really dies at all

Today's Forecast: Lovesick with a chance of creative fusion

2006-03-12T11:05:00.000-08:00

So. I could say alot of really cliche' things, but look. I had a great time.
On my way back to Michigan I wrote this at a bus station at about two in the morning or something. I was sad and that's more or less what it's all about.

Chicago Stole She (Heart-Pain-Sickness)

Chicago stole she my love
Chicago stole she my name
Chicago stole she the road I was on
And left me with nothing to blame
Still waiting in a port of call in the dust of all the wander broke
Away from my sunshine, and my warm rain, and the girl I remember to hold
But I have a long gray chair for nobody at all
Alone: my pack and me
And where all of this is heading now
Well, neither of us can say we believe
Chicago stole she my heart
Chicago stole she my pain
Chicago stole she my sickness
And left just the fever again
A woman's pale eyes sweep the black off the horizon
In the dark she has learned to call her home
And the way her jaw clamps as we hit every ramp
Tells she's angry now, she's no longer young
And the man who steers this rickety ship
Always wanted to learn himself to fly
But he's taking this boat back and forth oer' death's river
On the sunless shore, and it's passing the time

(ch)Your hooks are inside me now, sweeter even than your lips
Oh and what I want is right where I can't go,
"Turn around! Turn around! Turn around! Turn around!"
Chicago

A man in a cap about eighty and three says
he'd put his hands back on the wheel
The way it was back when he could always just ride
Without brakes, through a cloud of unknowing and real
But the captain knows better that fleeting desire
Sees without eyes the whole merciless void
And stands to the sky, ancient compass up high
And with no stars still finds us the way

CH

Some john deere sage of the concrete temple
murmurs wisdom behind my seat as if through a veil
Telling how he taught all his daughters to love,
and taught them the hardest thing about love's the time
Chicago stole she my love, Chigago stole she my name...

And a man is never sposed' to cry. But if he don't love, aint' a man ever can.
Yeah the hardest thing about the loving's the time.
Lord he was right, he was right.
Turn around, turn around, turn around,
chicago!
Chicago stole she my heart-pain-sickness,
and left just the fever again.

2006-03-02T21:04:00.000-08:00

My mind is a festering nexus of confusion. It swirls with emotions that I can't fragment into parts. I should probably just stop being so self centered and focus my energies on loving others, and on meditation, physical exercise, and writing tomes on faith and knowledge... and on justice, and purity. Instead, my energies are directed in other directions. Mostly to music and the writing of things that don't exist. But I'm finding some comfort in those things, for now.

When it get so black all around you that you feel like a speck of ash without purpose, or value, you can always sing. "This big bad world is gonna gobble you up, gonna gobble you up, gonna gobble you up..." Then maybe you can laugh in spite of yourself, raise your middle finger proud, and sometimes even find your way out of it. Do I have problems? Yeah. Probably. Sometimes I think I should be taking medicine or something. But that sounds... weak. It also sounds like an excuse. If I listed all the things that are wrong with me, I'd probably start to feel all special and unique and tortured. That's for emo rockers, or girls on xanga who shop at hot topic... and the birds. But maybe I'm just a dick.

I'm gonna go on a trip to Kentucky. I think that'll help.

Anyway. All this is to say that I've been feeling my mental state is rather flexible, lately. Probably just stress though. So here's the story: Hopefully I can put some stuff together. But, then again, I never really have in the past, so...

Previously the only force strong enough to galvinize me toward any real change has been extreme trauma. If that isn't a trend I can change it'll probably be the end of me, someday.

Next time I post, it will be big. Get ready.

Create new post! Seriously?

2006-02-26T15:22:00.000-08:00

Welp. Dunno if people are reading this. Or care. But that doesn't make much difference anyway, does it? Because I gotta write. I gotta create and keep a record of that somewhere...

Standin' outside, watchin' the ice on the lake
Just sittin' there
Cold to the bone, combing the snow
Through my charcoal hair
It isn't quite like the story's said it would be
When I was young
And I believed
The world was warm

But it's pretty cold here

Wrapped in a sheet, clinging to heat
and there's bottles everywhere
I should be at work, but I don't have a job
And I don't have a care
I'm gonna waste a lot of time with my friends
Gonna do it on their dime, if I can
There's sure many different paths that I could take

But it's gettin' late

So I'm thinking of starting a song out like that. Depressing, huh? It's not meant to be. It's just a thought.

The Long Dark Black

2006-02-25T10:13:00.000-08:00

Yahweh, Yahweh...

He stared up, but there was nothing. Only the black and the clouds. Not even the light of the moon. If not for street lamps, there would have been nothing but the inky darkness. He tasted smoke, coffee, hallucinations, and interminable vastness on his lips. And he spoke then, in a language he did not know...

* God. Send me an Angel, God.*

He stretched up into the infinite vastness of the cosmos as if a statue built from eternity and sculpted with fire brought from all the corners of the universe. He had sailed to the edges. He had fallen, fallen through so many hells and heavens... His legs were pillars that dissapeared into the ocean beneath the endless. For there were waters there. Ancient and dark and swelling. Yes, they were swelling. He had seen them. He had ridden them.
And he knew then that he was a part of all of it. Not that he was everything, but that everything was him. And he slept then, but his eyes moved. He had a million eyes. They saw everything at once in all places from now to the beginning to the part before that which is truly the end. And he saw how it was all one, and how it was all at once so large and small and trapped and free and terrifying... And he did not understand. He slept then. But his eyes moved. He was dreaming, somewhere, something... something was dreaming, someone that was not him. Or perhaps he was not him. Perhaps he was someone else. But there was no fear, no anxiety of loosing it and no concern for the never waking of death or eternal dream. He closed his million timeless eyes and went back inside, found himself there- in his dreams. Casually. On a whim. Come, he said. You have been sleeping. Wake up.
It was easy as breathing.

He stepped outside and lit a cigarette, because there was nothing for it now, anyway. He looked up. One star. "Thank you..." he muttered. Then, "Just say something. Not much, just a word. Just hi, hello, just any little bit to let me know I'm not alone, or that I'm not for nothing." There was no such response. "Fine." He said. "That's fine. You know what? I'm going to follow you anyway. Because I'm going to find you. I'm going to catch you."
THE STAR SPOKE
"To fire and death." He replied.
THE STAR SPOKE
"No, it isn't what I want... of course not. But I will take it, if it's what you give me."
THE STAR SPOKE
"It always has been, hasn't it?"
THE STAR SPOKE
"Yeah..." He said, shaking his head. "Yeah."

He spoke softly as he entered. "Hallelujiah I die today, back to God, oh back to God..." The he danced. He flailed his arms wildly and his voice began to raise. First to a shout. Then to a scream.
HALLALUJIAH I DIE TODAY! HALLELUJIAH I DIE TODAY! HALLELUJIAH I DIE TODAY! BACK TO GOD, OH BACK TO GOD!

I felt the world's heart beat today,
I felt the world's heartbeat today
I felt the world's heart beat today
Hallelujiah, Back to God

I saw the morning rise today
I saw the morning rise today
I saw the morning rise today
Hellelujiah, Back to God

Hallelujiah, I die today!
Hallelujiah, I die today!
Hallelujiah, I die today!
Back to God,
Oh, Back to God

On the cusp of a wave...

2006-02-20T19:53:00.000-08:00

Pigtails, electric
Blind thunder wind
swimming through ocean eyes,
easy as the shallow end
She stands like fountains
smiles sandbox grins
Heels together, and fists...fists tight
She could make many boys cry

With her heart on a string nearby
Fluttering through the air like a kite
I think she'll be alright
Yeah, I suppose she'll be alright

Boy and girl
Water and glass
Backyard and swingset
Fire and match
She sets me off... she makes me crash
Oh, timid villain. Agreeable and true.
Pretending as the tragic hero, steadfast in the waiting room
Watch as that unkempt boy shines his best shoes!

Can you believe how well he's dressed these days?
Have you heard the gossip, the things they heard him say...
Well, I think he'll be okay
Yeah, somehow he'll be okay

I am your gumdrop
I am your kisses
I am your rainbow
Blue skies and green grass
I am your butterfly jar
Open me up
I'm pixie dust
Come make a wish

Avoiding work with deft precision...

2006-02-15T16:07:00.000-08:00

I decided not to worry about making the last song better. I tried, and got frustrated by how broad the whole thing is, and went on to favor trying to write something more simple and focused instead. In this case, a song about missing someone, and feeling out of my aesthetic element. Hmmm... the jury's still out, if you ask me. But It's getting there.

No title yet...

The road deserted as the sunday table
Leads me endless on from the wilderness and out of the womb
Cold and uncomfortable, marching through the foggy morning
To the edge of the water
Where I rub my eyes and can't find the sea,
but I can hear her breathe
And I can't write! I can't write!
I can't paint! I can't create!
And I can't find a place that feels something like home
I can't feel something like home
Everything's puzzle pieces and none of them fit
She'd throw them all off the table, and ask me to sit
And if I tugged on her jacket, then I'd get a kiss
To the edge of her pillow
With warm blankets wrapped loosely
Where I can hear her breathe
And I can't fight! I can't fight!
I just want to surrender
And go find a place that feels somthing like home
Go back to where I feel something like home

I open my mouth, but I forgot how to sing
I just hum some tangled tune, scribbling circles out, confused
And when I walk, I walk in a daze
Through the sun, through the rain, through the wind as it blows
Over grass, over sand, and the mud and the snow

I already miss you like Hell
I already miss you like Hell
Why did I let you go?
I shake my head, and the clock
It turns so slow
I already miss you like Hell
And you aren't even down the road

A song (very much in progress)

2006-02-06T13:12:00.000-08:00

Snow birds fly on autumn wings
Away from cold the winter brings
If I had any sense I'd make like that and pack my things
But maybe it was that which brough you up, and sent you shivering from the sea
I swear that I could love you more
But my heart is just an ornament, it never really worked
It's alot like the color of my eyes, changing since the day that I was born
There's nothing about me that's been on time or ever proved it's worth
December, send me back to her
Grandpa sits on his lawn chair, grimacing
While sea gulls fly over the highway
North winds catch their bone white feathers, and drive them from the bay
Memory is just a selfish girl who wishes I had never moved away
Christmas melts and fades to Easter
We lost the magic, I checked the river
The water quick and cold filled up my lungs
I spit it all into the flowers and the mud
Passion plays were just a waiting game
Where I had to watch my Saviour on stage
Writing "things to do later with my cousins:" on the program's page
Put my dreams to ink, and lost them the next day
When I said I'd never die, I promised it
But I was just a loose tongued little kid
I don't know if my golden castle even still, or ever did, exist.
What's gone is gone. Such is pain.
If it's going to hurt, it means going away.
Can I still find the map back home, and how?
Or am I bound for death's black shore now?
Past the rock only the pale colored fields like the gray winter sky
No adventure there, not once you die
Is it harder to know who you are,
without a number burned into your arm?
Is this place where trends and meanings change so fast to entertain the masses
Just to keep all our attention, GOD! You need to show us your intent
For our lives, lit up in neon lights
That scream our names into the night, straight off the assembly line
We are all so unique, seperate styles, different inks
All make gray. Woe to us! Freedomless, Low and lain,
God of death, God of dream. Spare me here, hear me sing:
Wake and LIVE!
Spring breaks like the morning comes
There she is
Carried by an ocean breeze... on bright blue wings
To carry all the dark I have inside if I can just lift up my arms
I'm sorry, love, my love is not enough.
I swear that I could give you more
But my heart is just an ornament, it never really worked
It's alot like the color of my eyes, changing since the day that I was born
There's nothing about me that's been on time or ever proved it's worth
December, send me back to her
Send me back,
Send me back again!
December, send me back to her
And she says we'll find the light ahead, Oh, the Light
Is there light ahead!? Is there light ahead?

Is there Light...?

Don't Know When, But a Day Is Gonna' Come...

2006-01-22T14:15:00.000-08:00

Scarlet

She’s standing in a room in my dreams

Wearing scarlet

Shining like tinsel and the blood stained cover of my father's new testament

I ask to pay for dinner and she yawns and just slips me a check

She always laughs at me when I try to be a prince

I wake up and buckets of water dump on my head

Out of the clouds

Painting the sky, making shapes like…

Never cry, never cry

I saw her drugs, her bible, her palm readings and her roses

I saw her shadows in the fading light

I asked her if she would wear scarlet tonight

I saw her pills, her lipstick, and her favorite dress

I wonder if she knows, she’s been stuck in her own shadow

She’s trapped on the glass side of the T.V. screen

I’m too scared to ask if she’s wearing scarlet for me

She slips on her baby blue suede legs

Under her sheets

She’s wearing a shirt that I painted in 1^st grade

She looks warm, but I am freezing

I think she probably drove us back to my place

Lay me down, and try to get the sky to stop running round and round

She says it’s just the stars

Silver tears in sync, constellations on a paper plate

It's hard to look at her. It's hard to say,

You can’t never cry, You can’t never cry

I saw her drugs, her bible, her palm readings and her roses

I saw her shadows in the fading light

I asked her if she would wear scarlet tonight

I saw her pills, her lipstick, and her favorite dress

I wonder if she knows, she’s been stuck in her own shadow

She’s trapped on the glass side of the T.V. screen

And I’m scared she might be wearing scarlet for me

Hey, just put your dress away

I don't wanna go out tonight

It's not you. It's just string intertwined, pressed and stained with red dye.

Hey, I'm tired of the picture you made

Copied and printed in shades of gray

Colored it in, but it still doesn't look the same

Hey, don't ever feel afraid

Keep your chin up, and your eyes toward the train

It's moving faster than a dream, and there's nothing to gain

Be strong, and when they take me away

Do you think that I’ll feel, will I know, will I taste, will I grow,

Will I wake, will I see? Will I live or just “be”? Will I love?

Or will I just be a shadow of the things that I recall?

...Don't know when, but a day is gonna come. When there won't be a moon, and there won't be a sun. It'll just go black. It'll all go back to the way it used to be.

Old News...

2006-01-16T21:42:00.000-08:00

Okay. This is, like... sort of an anniversary edition, almost. I'm not sure how to feel about all this, exactly.

Skinny little girl, bundled up against the cold.
And your lover draws near, for to rescue and to hold.
You wore your wedding dress, you wore your ring.
At my funeral...
And goddamn I feel like shit, but I feel like dancing.
I kind of feel like crying in the rain.
Trying to keep warm in a snow storm, at least there I'd know for sure I was out of place.
I'm planting all my roses in gravel, I'm naming all the books I'll never write
But I just keep walking, down to somewhere that feels right

White toothed little girl, smile the color of the christmas snow
Her lips, they part to speak, red as the advent rose
I was sitting on a cloud, I didn't bother looking down
Bless you in sickness and bless you in health, but I won't keep a bit-
I won't forgive myself
Bored walking around this town, and I wanna try flying
But when I see the stars it fills my heart with fear
It seemed like a good idea, with my feet here on the ground
But if I had wings, I confess I'd just be scared.
I bury all my treasures in rivers,
When I go to dig them up, they've gone down stream
So I just keep walking, humming "life is but a dream"

Skinny little girl, I like to think about if you knew...
All the love I could've gave to you
Missed my chance, must have blinked
When our dramatic scene was playing
And goddamn! I feel like dancing.
But I kind of feel like crying in the rain.
It's like I'm trying to keep warm in a snow storm
At least there I'd know for sure I was out of place.
I'm planting all my roses in gravel, I'm naming all the books I'll never write
But I just keep walking,
I just keep walking
I just keep walking, down to somewhere that feels right

Oh Black Sky

2006-01-16T21:27:00.000-08:00

"It's like... you feel terrified, and excited at the same time..."

Oh, Black Sky
Stretched out from here to there
I'm digging my nails into the carpet, and I'm feeling way too aware
My hands are skipping, getting restless
And they've been praying to my Jesus
Praying that you can hold me here, and hold me down,
and keep me from falling up off of the ground
Oh, Black sky...
Oh black sky! Oh black sky!
I'm just scared to death of love, I'm so scared to death of love...
A rope of sound, of melody ties me to the mast
But I'm still drowning in the past
I don't see where I am, and I'm trying to swim, but I just wanna spin-
Spin fast to the end, to the crashing fire
Hold onto me there
Some things I feel but I don't remember them,
All I know is I can do you better
When I can feel the ground again
Blacker than the water between the skies

Oh black sky! Oh black sky!
I'm scared to death to love, I'm so scared to death to love...

This Is Our Velocity...

2006-01-11T21:03:00.000-08:00

The album should be called "We Live Here...The Dark". That's the title. I'm posting again primarily because this forsaken and blasted blogger thing has decided, in a fit of ill will, NOT to post any more of my little love letters to my...fans. Sure, I could try and get the last post to go up first, but instead I'm opting to click it over and over, try posting MORE stuff, just keep pushing hoping wildly it will break to my will... such is my way. It isn't the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog! Although such sentiments are probably woefully false, I like to hold onto some small ray of hope and possible dignity.

If I do make this album it'll be short, I think I need to start off small instead of planning these big projects that are so daunting I never even start them. Here's some lyrics.

Ashing on my carpet, trying to burn my way out
Stradling the river with eyes full of cloud
Headlights, lanterns through the windshield.
Waterfall, Watering Spout.
Wash me down the drain, leave me standing in the rain, okay?

I'm turning steady as a trainwreck, derailing in a minefield
Multitasking cellphones, earphones, LED lights, and strings
She's a taker and a giver- She gave me a name
Gave me a love
Gave me a pain, pain, pain pain pain- Don't you take it away

The highway's a graveyard, stretched out like a snake tail
If you try to catch her running you'll just chase her away
Keep on moving like john henry, racing down the rail ties
But If you drive her in too hard, she'll drive your soul away
You'll have that hammer n' hand when you see your mistake
Looking for the Lady of the Lake
Ooh ooh, ooh ooh...
You can wander in the mountains, wander with your shame-
A credit card, a bible, a blade, and a banner of flame
Advertising burned out romance cut to fill your most presentable frame
Singing, crying "God!" just like you're being martyrd on stage
You'll keep on looking for your lady of the Lake
Ooh ooh, ooh ooh...

You can break my heart, go on and break it darlin'.

A Letter From The Frontier

2006-01-10T12:52:00.000-08:00

So. I think things are pretty good right now for me. I'm inspired again, I have a muse, my broken feet learned to walk. Something like that. Writing a couple songs, one murmurs on about december or something, and the other has a chorus something like, "You can break my heart, go on a break it darlin'." I know that doesn't really give you a feel for what those songs might be like, but maybe I'll come out with a four track EP or something. I don't have any kind of title yet... maybe it doesn't need one.

Christmas break was good. Got to see alot of people, had a lot of fun visiting my relatives in PA. My only complaint is that it ended I suppose. But, selah. It's good, it's bad, it's life.
Get a helmet.

"Love Was Always Cruel."

I didn't LIE. See? I wrote something. I WROTE SOMETHING!!!

2005-11-21T21:18:00.000-08:00

AM I NOT MERCIFUL?!?!?!?

I Probably wouldn't be posting but that I wrote a song and feel I should put it here for posterity's sake, since you know... all you ASSHOLES who complain about me not posting don't comment when I DO post. Look, I'm not looking for attention, or else I wouldn've kept posting, don't CONFUSE me.

Alright. Ryan Leng, YOU are exempt. Exempt from all contempt, my brother. My musical compadre. I will keep you updated, updated of the progress on this new, fully operational album. Guess what, you shits? You can't stop it. THE MAN can't stop it! I'm gonna be a hero, a martyr, let it all hang out, change the world with the power of my rock! I swear it, ALL darkness shall be reclaimed and I will embrace my destiny as a rock and roll legend.

Okay, now that I've got that out of my system...

So anyway. I wrote this. I have music. Frankly, I think the latter makes the song. But read the words too, if you feel so inclined. I guess they probably say something.

If I could count all of the women I have fallen in love with

Dividing, breaking it down so far that my love could not exist

There’s a simple, frightening fact with which I’d have to come to grips

It’s a waste of time to hope and fantasize over every winking waitress

Exhausted on a midnight bus ride home, out of some ghost forsaken town

Smiling with my hand on your chin, a spectacular grin, like it’s right out of a film

We’d laugh till we were tired, I’d memorize your last eyelash as it fell

And I’d know she wasn’t sleeping then, just dreaming of someone else

She says the evening over Rome, or Barcelona

Every time I have to say her name

She’s like a princess twirling all along the sidelines

And like a little boy chasing leaves, I play her game

She watches from the front row, behind her teary eyes

I’d soar from the stage to rescue her, but she’d think that I had lied

“You were acting!” She posed, and screamed. It’d be so strange, not to try and hide

Without our smoke and mirrors and my guitar, I’d probably get tossed aside

She says the evening over Rome, or Barcelona

Every time I have to say her name

She’s like a princess twirling all along the sidelines

And like a little boy chasing leaves, I play her game

I would tear down all the walls for you to want me

I would drink the bleeding hearts of every star

Till the universe was black, and nothing beautiful remained

I would give you more love than I could ever offer

When the hangars clang and clatter, Christmas sleigh bells on the roof.

Hanging over the backyard alley, and the new construction’s truth

Where your baby’s father goes to work, selling coke and blocks of green

I’m not lying girl, I’m waiting, and I’m coming to set you free

She says the evening over Rome, or Barcelona

Every time I have to say her name

She’s like a princess twirling all along the sidelines

And like a little boy chasing leaves, I play her game

I would tear down all the walls for you to want me

I would drink the bleeding hearts of every star

Till the universe was black, and nothing beautiful remained

I would give you more love than I ever had to offer

And I’d die, I’d die so satisfied!

I’ve heard that too much of a good thing is a thing that does not last

If you build your fire too big, you’ll just end up with a bunch of ash

I could sit patiently like a schoolboy for the world to give my fifteen minute turn

But I guess I’ve never minded fire, so let’s light the earth up, and just let her burn!

And I know it isn’t love, I’m just dancing round’ the fire

I’m drunk, thinking of you, and I’m dancing round’ the fire

I make a thousand promises but my bones will never break me free

So come on and dance, dance, dance with me

Have a drink and dance with me around the fire

No More The Silence!

2005-11-13T19:21:00.000-08:00

Okay. That's it.

So I'm gonna make a cd. This is of course slated for production after the other three cd's worth of songs I have lying around. But this cd will be called, "Todays Newest Nervous Revolution". It will be by 'Lonan Cairn', which I shall pen myself as in my 'solo realm', so called. I'm having a spout of creativity, and might as well syphon as much crude artistic energy from it as possible.

The album is about... well, I'd like to say love lost, except that I haven't had any. Or lost love, but what love has BEEN lost, if I didn't have it in the first place? So it's about the loss of love itself, and of my soul, and of my direction in general. I intend for it to follow an arc, starting out with some songs I would sing... ya know, at a buddy's apartment after a few beers or something. Then it gets a little more serious, and starts discussing problems, it gets personal. It doesn't get political, but it might be kind of anti-political, anti-party, anti-society, anti-progress, anti-establishment. We'll see. The point is, it'll wrestle with irresolvable issues and lament and be redeemed. It will be RECLAIMED. Reborn, but only just as bad off as it was before.

So in the end everything is back to normal. Nothing is really changed or won, but some things are learned. Hopefully, somethings are retained. In the end though, it's just about breaking even and ending up where you started or left off in the first place. Sort of self-exploration gone wrong. It'll be a trip.

Lonan Cairn: Today's Newest Nervous Revolution

Look for new lyrics and production notes, coming soon to a blog near you!

2005-10-20T07:55:00.000-07:00

skinny girl, I like to think
of all the love I coulda' gave you
Missed my chance, I must have blinked
When our dramatic scene was playing
And Goddamn, I feel like shit
But I feel like dancing
And I kinda feel like crying in the rain
I feel like trying to keep warm in a snow storm
At least I'd know for sure I was out of place

Hey there girl, I wish you knew
All the pretty girls around me
But none of them smile like you do,
when you've got your arms around me
Well it doesn't lay my fondest fears to rest,
To see you with your ring and wedding dress
At my funeral
And Goddamn I feel like shit
But I feel like dancing
And I feel like planting roses in the yard
I feel like naming all the books I'll never write
I'm nothing that could save you girl, and I'm nothing
I just keep walking
I just keep walking
I just keep walking down a road that takes me nowhere,
until I start to feel like nothing at all

Make Money, Money...

2005-10-18T12:45:00.000-07:00

"Gotta get a job! Gotta go to work! Gotta go to work!"

Aw, man. I guess it's time to post again. It occurs to me that I need to finally learn my lesson and start applying myself or else I will fail several classes this semester. I don't know why my environment seems so incredible inconducive to that right now, but it's a bummer. Hm.

Well, this is some stuff I'm throwing back and forth in my head, trying to put together. It will probably come back here in a more complete form at a later date.

Both my granfather’s are dead and gone away

Seems like there’s so much death everywhere these days

The wisdom of their youth long past, is something they can’t ever give to me

So I play guitar with my dad, and we share in our forgetting any misery

And I can’t give you an answer to all of it,

Because I don’t think there ever

Was a question to begin with.

One quarter, two to twenty

It’s day in, day out on the train

One quarter, two to twenty

It’s sun up, sun down every day

Just couple neurons firing in my brain

And the turning of the numbers on the clock, helps to keep me sane.

Okay, I thought I had more than that, but it's written on a piece of paper from class lost somewhere in the nether. I'll have to get back to you...

"Mr. McConnell is not here right now, but if you'd like to leave a message, he'll be more than happy to take an appropriate response into consideration."

Dance, Dance, Dance Around the Fire

2005-10-12T13:22:00.000-07:00

Another toe tapping tune, I hope. It's pretty off the wall, so please, take it with a teaspoon of sugar.

I was feeling on the edge last night
I was hoping to just bite the bullet
I invited you to kick some jams
Hoping you were good for it
But a girl can never satisfy,
She can never help me through this life
Apparently, I need something more
That’s when I saw a blinding light- and the voice said

YOU ARE ANOINTED TO ROCK!
You have been appointed, to lead the way
So children, leave your cobbled streets
Move your feet, and follow me!
Together we will break this silver throne.
I was feeling kind of strange today
Like the things I’ve heard that matter just don’t
So I slept through all my work
And then I slept some more
And when I woke from that dark slumber
My eyes had seen a dream
A vision of the fields and streams, and all began to dance and sing
YOU ARE ANOINTED TO ROCK!
You have been appointed, to lead the way
So mothers, fathers, feel the beat
For lo there, shall we finally meet
And beneath the World’s last moon a tune shall play,
WE ARE ANOINTED TO ROCK!
We have been appointed, to save the day.
So it has been written, and now it must be done
Break through cavern walls, and step into the sun
FOR WE ARE ANOINTED TO ROCK!

Where the Ghouls, and Night Creatures Dance

2005-10-10T11:44:00.000-07:00

It isn't safe. Big brother is watching. The Gestapo is on our heels. We must go underground. We must subvert. We must survive. I don't know how much longer I can...
(transmission ends in static)

So I guess that there is a terrible affliction of worry over these blogs, and what is posted in them. First, let me clear a few things up. I am not suicidal. I write angry things when I'm angry, and well, it's a good way to vent. I guess I should apolagize for being so profane, but that's how I felt. If you can't vent your frustrations and talk about what's really going on in your life somewhere, all that will bottle up. For me, this is that place of solice. So don't get all worked up, whoever you are, please- I'm just working through stuff the way I always have. And hey, things have gone alright for me so far.

The song that I posted and called untitled is not actually about my parents. Seriously. It was an analogy for my frustration with the two party system, on one level. On another, it was just about my feeling listless and searching for purpose and/or direction in my life. So don't transcribe those feelings put to word there as being how I actually feel towards my folks, that would be a foolish misconception.

I don't know whose reading anymore, so all I'll say is this. Please, for the love of God, announce yourself. If you read this stuff and don't post deliberately, to keep it a secret or something, that's like stealing someone's diary and then taking the whole thing out of context. If you're just not posting because you don't have a blogger, just come on and hop on the band wagon and get one. Truly, give in to peer pressure, because this is a lonely place. If you're a friend of mine that I have on my little list to the right, I guess I expect you to read and not comment. But still, feeling that no one reads this shit will cause me to let it fall into disuse and decay. A little encouragement every once and a while might be cool, it doesn't have to be an epihpany or anything monumental. But whatever.

Since I don't even know who reads this thing these days, I guess I should be concerned that I just said "shit". But then again, I did drop the f-bomb over ten times in my last post. I think... it's not like I kept count. Besides, I am going to assume that you're mature enough to handle it. This is my house, and if you don't appreciate it or feel that I'm the immature one and look down on me, that's your perogative. But I'm not going to tip-toe around the tulips. In this life, there are such things as bad words, bad places, and bad times. It's best to get through them, instead of just wishing them away. Besides, I refuse to bottle my creative integrity. I refuse to be censored.

"Fuck the man!"

In the Shadows

2005-10-07T13:15:00.000-07:00

Someone told me I am the most creative when I'm pissed. It's true. Pissed, self-loathing, a variety or completely negetive emotions. Now I am faced with the very aggravating possibility that this "defines" me. I feel like a fucking teenage angst rocker or some eqaully worthless shit like that. Okay, well, I have been thinking all day I need to turn things around. But it just seems like every friday is worse than the last, and right now I just feel overwhelmed by the bullshit. It's like... today wasn't even that bad, it was just the shot that put me over the edge. I COULD have had a fantastic night, but now I'm just shitting like a volcano and puking until vomit explodes out of my eye sockets. So here's some of the more cherished excrement I have to offer.

The world rolled me over today
And the Autumn wind refused to sing
I followed a blind man who let his hand
lead him by a trail of chain link fencing
He said, "You have no destiny."
I guess I wanted to curl up and cry at his feet

I'm always fuckin' up, fuckin' up, fuckin' up- the easiest things
But I swear to Christ, I could make it through the hardest parts
Without even flinching
But I'm always fuckin' up

I got leveled like a city
And I'm heavy like that bomb
So just drop me. Drop me on the ground.
I'll eat dirt every day, like a dog, rollin' around
Wait n' listen for to hear my master's song
That old, familiar sound

Except I'm always fuckin' up, fuckin' up, fuckin' up- the easiest things
But I swear to Christ, I could make this right- If I knew what I was changing
But I'm always staying the same
And I'm always fuckin' up, fuckin' up, fuckin' up- the easiest things
But I swear to Christ, I could make it through the hardest parts,
without even flinching

Here's the thing...
If I ever had a song,
I long ago forgot the tune
Someone, take me to a warm, soft room
Where at least I can be comfortably numb
Cuz I'm never gonna stop-
Fuckin' up

There Is Hope

2005-10-06T08:05:00.000-07:00

Song lyrics. Any ideas?

(Untitled)

I'm still rollin in the mornin when my alarm goes off at ten. I guess it isn't early but I wanna go to bed again. Cuz' I was dreamin heaven and the past and that was how it all began! Like a misfire from a rifle that ruins years of preperation.

When I was born I popped right out onto a playground filled with rusty six inch nails. I was told to stay and play there, but I guess I only ran in circles. And when I fell and was crucified upon the pavement, Oh how mother shook her head. She said, "You're gonna have to learn your pace, boy. Better go and talk to your dad."

When I was 5 my parents tied me to the hood and drove me down the lane. They said, "If you don't buy your soul back you will never be a man." They said, "We prayed the stars would send us hope, they sent us you, and now we're gonna try again!" And I don't know if I have got a soul, but all I know's I never paid.

Oh, my mamma wore a dress of blue, she had some sapphire rings she loved so much. My father wore a bright red tie and suit coat, well, they fought alot. Over things like Coke and Pepsi, and if it was written they had rights or not to brag. My Da' said it's too bad that we're not black, we look like a goddam American flag!

With all their plans for life they pampered me, and moral issues I had grown up with
I watched the rain fall on the garden but I still felt like I did not exist
They offered wine to blind me, but I guess that I just coughed and spit
So despite their best intentions I lit my first cig when I was 6.

The Clouds Have Parted, AND...

2005-10-05T14:35:00.000-07:00

Well, nothing all that dramatic really. I woke up this morning knowing I had alot of homework to accomplish. I felt the stress of alot of worthless concerns bearing down on me, and opted to pull an "office space", so I just slept straight through my first two classes. One of these counts attendance and I will be graded down for my absence. It's bullshit, but I can't do anything about it. Nor do I care, I guess. I didn't feel like going.

I'm sitting here while Art plays Fable, wielding a goddam hammer as big as he is. I'm thinking about some stuff. Specifically, I've decided to try and get all my homework done during the day and stop taking naps. It just helps me have time to do whatever the hell I want in the evening. You know, be totally spontaneous, and I kinda think I need that a bit more. *raises can of Dr. Pepper* Here's hoping I don't play video games until I go blind and my penis rots and falls off.

I know that was some total, run of the mill day in day out kind of shit, (well, except the penis part) but I wanted to put it in here so I would be able to remember it. It'll probably prove an idle ideal (heh, idle ideal...), but oh well.

My mind keeps drifting back to this weekend past. I felt like a shmuck, because I was the first one out. I had been drinking since... well, probably about seven o'clock in the evening. Pretty steadily drinking, basically just hard liqour and mixed drinks. By the time I got to The Shack with my cousin, Wayland Murdoch, it was around eleven. Convinced the festivities had only just begun, I shot myself like an arrow into the heart of depravity. Oh, Lord, what a fool I was.

I didn't puke or anything, but I felt ridiculous because at about twelve or twelve thirty I just NEEDED to pass out. I was uncontrollably tired, and also, things were starting to spin a good bit. In my defense, Wayland only out partied me by a half an hour or an hour, but I still felt shame was being heaped upon my head. I wasn't representin' like I ought. So, I stumbled into The Shack itself and passed out on the one bed present. It was hard and very cold. Four hours or so later, James woke me up and we were both sober enough to make it back to his house. But man, I've been wanting a drink ever since, and I still don't have one. I'm starting to get pissed.

Sarah. Hmmm. This chick lives down the hall. She was involved with my roomate Paul very briefly at the beginning of this year, but they didn't date long. Something about his promiscuity. In fact, whether they were ever dating at all might be subject to whoever's side of the story you hear, I dunno. But she's gorgeous, asian, and she's coming over to my room tomorrow to play guitar with me. I dunno if anything other than that will come of this venture, but what I do know is this:
She plays guitar (just learning)
She plays piano (very well)
She plays Diablo 2 (Holy shit. Is that even possible?)

Anyway. Maybe somewhere down the road she'll help me record some stuff. That's... well, not my FONDEST fantasy, but it's up there.

A Thousand Battles Later...

2005-10-04T13:50:00.000-07:00

I live! Torn, weary, and desperately needing drink. Good, strong drink. This will be a haven for me now, a place for my soul to rest and drink deep of the fountain of shadow. I will fashion these walls to hold me in my most desperate hours, fill my veins with spring of the earth, and keen my edges as the ancients themselves must once have trained. Yes, I will be posting lyrics (some of my "philanderings", if you will) soon. I wish to drive forward with might and penetrate the lines of defensive apathy which threaten to prevent my production of the impending albums to my name. I cannot, though, fight another war. Not until I have savved my cuts from the last.

Wait here for me, In the house of darkness and flame. I go now into dark caverns and wells of ancient healing. I'll be back when these wounds have been mended,and when prophecy bleeds my dreams upon the altar of fate.